Feelings

I have a weird problem. Whenever one of my friends is really super happy, I get sad.

Like, I'm happy for them, but at the same time I start feeling really bad about myself.

For example, just about 10 minutes ago my friend FPDP told me how she asked the boy she likes to be her boyfriend, and he accepted. I was immediately happy for her (and I'm STILL happy for her, really!) but then, a minute later, I felt the familiar sinking sensation in my stomach and the sadness descended on me. I started thinking about how I can't get a boyfriend, and how every time I think a boy likes me he always ends up backing out and not hardly speaking to me, and other things in that area.

I hate this, because I will feel the same elated happiness that my friends feel for like 5 minutes at the most, then my stomach sinks. I want to be happy with my friends, but I always have to end up pretending because even though I know I'm feeling the happy, the sad starts taking over and I have to work really hard to keep sounding happy so I don't ruin THEIR happy.

You know, internet, I go through this every few months or so. I won't care that I don't have a boyfriend for months. Then all of a sudden, I start thinking about my chronic singleness. I don't know how to get out of it. I know I shouldn't care, and I try to tell myself that, but I don't know. I only count myself as having one and a half boyfriends. One because I had a boyfriend 2 years ago (freshman year) for about a month, and that's where I got my first kiss. Half because a guy was identified as my "boyfriend" for three months in 7th grade. For some reason, that little black part inside of me tells myself that my lack of boyfriend is just confirmation that I am ugly. My parents and friends are all like "noooooooo! you're not ugly at all!" but I know they just say that because they're family/friends and they're obligated to.

I just want a boyfriend that thinks I'm pretty and likes my weird/nerdy personality, and likes spending time with me. Is that too much to ask? Apparently so, because I am single, as you can see.

Ugh. I know this is an extremely whiny post, but as I warned you in my very first one, this is going to be my diary of sorts. So, here's a diary-like post.

Song of the day: "I'm Not Okay" by My Chemical Romance. Because I'm not right now.
Book of the day: "The Book Thief" By Markus Zusak. Because it makes me cry.

See you next time,
Miss M